Oh god no!

World War II was the most depressingly boring event in history. As civilians joyously ate powdered eggs and sipped ersatz coffee they watched their world torn to pieces by a shambolic swarm of tiresome flying machines. Here are just 10 of the most boring of these lugubrious sky vultures.

10. Curtiss P-40 Warhawk

A city drab enough will attract graffiti from a population starved of colour and flair. Similarly, the sensibly portioned, depressingly conventional, P-40 inspired a happy gallery of shark’s teeth, skulls and monsters to help distract attention away from how anyone could actually make a World War II fighter boring. Curtiss-Wright clearly felt the same way we do and with its next-generation fighter, the XP-55 Ascender, it reached new heights of stimulating lunacy.

9. Douglas A-26 Invader

Technically good, but extremely boring – and with a long career, the A-26 is the Mark Knopfler of World War Two combat aircraft. The A-26 was the victim of overly balanced proportions, making the eye tire as it rolls across its horribly sensible shape.

8. Hawker Hurricane

Whereas a biplane fighter is a dashingly handsome machine, and a true monoplane a sensuously sleek affair, the Hurricane was an awkward halfway house. It was certainly not as attractive as its peers, lacking the curvaceous sex appeal of the Spitfire and the waspish bastardlyness of the Bf 109 – the Hurricane is a flaming beacon for the dull. If the Spitfire is a rapier-flashing Romeo then the Hurricane was his friend filling in his expenses on a spreadsheet with a little too much skill (and no doubt making jokes about how Brexit sounds like breakfast… in a nasal voice). Not only is it relatively uninspiring to look at it, the Hurricane is the bore’s aeroplane of choice, even now I can hear the tiresome calls of ‘What about the Hurricane..?’ and ‘Don’t you know it shot down 60% of enemy blah blah blah.’ ‘No one ever talks about the Hurricane’ they’ll tell you, despite it being one of the most famous aircraft in history with over 1,740,000 Google results and the subject of hundreds of books. Come back to me when you have a less generic wing.

Top Ten Most Boring Aircraft in History!

7. Avro Anson

Despite attacking U-boats only two days into the war and even shooting down 109s, ‘Faithful Annie’ only earned the descriptor ‘Faithful’ (the far more charismatic Mikoyan-Gurevich 23-01 took the more edgy antonym ‘Faithless’). The Anson did loads of worthy things in a reliable kind of way, which is great but we like our warplanes mad and thunderous rather than ‘docile’.

6. Fiat BR.20 Cicogna

Nobody pictures Fiat’s boxy BR.20 when they think of the Battle of Britain, despite it destroying a canning factory in Lowestoft (or maybe because its sole achievement was destroying a canning factory in Lowestoft). That it managed to remain relatively unknown through a wild and exciting career around the world is a remarkable achievement. Even a spell in the Japanese army air force didn’t make this boxy Italian bore memorable.

5. Blackburn Skua

The Blackburn Roc turret fighter may have been lamentable, but at least it had a distinctive gun turret. The Skua had all the killer machismo of a clapped-out Morris Marina ice-cream van.

3. Vickers Wellington

Despite being named after a particularly delicious beef dish and being influenced by Vickers’ absolutely fantastic Wellesley, the Wellington was the most dull way to kill civilians. From its ‘scout hut in Reigate’ side windows to its vague vertical tail everything about the dreary Wellington screamed ‘I was found on an industrial estate and should have been left there.’

The Wellington was nicknamed the ‘Wimpy’ by its crews as it was as boring as sitting in a branch of Wimpy burger*.

*I can’t live with myself for writing that, as a kid I loved Wimpy.

2. Kawasaki Ki-32

There isn’t something about Mary. Look at a three-view illustration of a Kawasaki Ki-32 and the word ‘aeroplane’ comes to mind. It looks like a plane drawn by someone with no interest in aircraft. As well as the Imperial Japanese Army Air Service, the Mary served with the ‘definitely real’ Japanese puppet state of Manchukuo (which had an air force capable of rather too exciting things with other types – like using a suicidal Ki-27 to down an airborne B-29). Even service in the extremely exciting Indonesian pro-independence guerrillas couldn’t bring glamour to Mary.

Top Cancelled Carrier Fighters

The Hush-Kit Book of Warplanes Vol 3 – a massive beautiful book! Pre-order your copy here.

1. Douglas B-18 Bolo

The USAAC chose the Bolo over a design called the Boeing 299 as its heavy bomber. This was the wrong decision as the 299 would become the brilliant B-17 Flying Fortress – and the B-18 was utterly mediocre. The B-17 would go on to have its own Apple TV+ series, and the Bolo was declared obsolete right when it was most needed (it was the most numerous US heavy bomber at the time of Pearl Harbor). Even when demoted to the anti-submarine warfare role – which any large aircraft can do – it didn’t last long and was replaced by the excellent B-24. Its most exciting moment would be as a post-war crop-sprayer.

Thank you for reading the Hush-Kit site. It’s all been a huge labour of love that I have devoted a great deal of time to over the last 12 years. There are over 1100 totally free articles on Hush-Kit, think of the work that’s gone into that! To keep this going please do consider a donation (see button on top of page) or by supporting on Patreon. Not having a sponsor or paid content keeps this free, unbiased (other than to the Whirlwind) and a lot naughtier. We can only do this with your support. I really love this site and want it to keep going, this is where you come in.

To those who already support us I’d like to say a big thank you.

All the best

Hush-Kit