The European consortium that builds the Eurofighter Typhoon has announced a comprehensive upgrade package that could see the integration of a Betamax video player as soon as 2056. 

Work on an active electronic scanning radar for the RAF’s Eurofighter Typhoon combat aircraft began in 1923, but so far has failed to enter service. In 1923 they predicted an service date of 1927, but with the reduction of the Soviet threat in 1924 (following Lenin’s burial) work slowed. Attempts to get the radar operational during the Battle of Britain failed due to differences between two of the partner nations (Germany and the UK). The 1977 Eurovision Song Contest results was responsible for a further delay as was the three-day week, and the unpredicted success of Roland Rat.

In an attempt to assuage customers’ worries that the type contains obsolete equipment, Eurofighter announced on Wednesday a package of upgrades intended to put the aircraft at the technological forefront. Under Project Gladiator, Typhoon will receive the same weapons capabilities the aircraft it is replacing had twenty years ago.

According to a member of the Eurofighter sales team —

“We see this as a major step forward – OK, so it may not have the range of the Tornado, or the advantage of a second crew-member or a dedicated reconnaissance pod but it is definitely MUCH MUCH faster (at higher altitudes). Anyway, as I like the look of you I’m going to chuck in a laserdisc player, a carphone and a Betamax player. All free for you. All top of the range stuff. F-35 does not have any of that. And a Tamagotchi if you like.” On seeing a passing policeman, the company representative quickly packed his suitcase of electronic goods and sprinted away from his headquarters outside the Leicester Square branch of Beefeater Steakhouse.

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