Air losses review: Spring 2018
Date: March 12
Type: Edgley EA-7 Optica
Operator: Private
Location: Twannock, Suffolk
Details: Edgley Optica piloted by TV presenter Noel Edmonds destroyed attempting to wing-flip a Dutch V1 Doodlebug. Edmonds escaped in the ejection pod but was killed when the pods collided with a passing Dhruv piloted by actor Pauline Quirke. Pauline Quirke sustained Cat 5 damage.
Pauline Quirke is damaged beyond reasonable repair in accordance with current Ministry of Defence policy. Though no longer airworthy, she will be displayed at Norfolk and Suffolk Aviation Museum wearing a bonnet.
Date: March 22
Type: Fieseler Fi 156 Storch
Operator: Air Uganda
Location: Long Melford. Suffolk
Details: The two pilots baled out from a height of 800ft(244m) after a mechanical failure affecting the onboard milk frother rendered cappuccino creation impossible. According to Uganda media report, one of the crews was a Virgo whose hobbies included ‘going to the theatre’ and ‘butterfly collecting’. The Storch has not been found and is probably still flying over the sea somewhere.
Captain Yoweri Obote (top right) is currently single and looking for a woman (ideally an Aquarius) who shares his interest in butterfly collecting. Captain Obote is competent in Excel and Powerpoint.
Date: April 15
Type: Tupolev Tu-22M3 & Tipsy Nipper
Operator: Russian Air & Space Force
Location: Coddenham, Suffolk
Details: Due to a malfunction, the Tipsy Nipper (piloted by British poet Pam Ayres) made a belly landing on top of a Russian Tu-22M3 flying in support of Ipswich police force’s anti moped thief initiative Operation Banjo. The Tu-22M3 crew ejected but landed on top of a CapriSun sponsored blimp flying at lower altitude; the crew bounced back into their aircraft which then crashed into a bouncy castle at Coddenham Village Fete causing the aircraft’s flamed-out engines to re-light. The Tu-22M3 with the Tipsy Nipper on top, landed safely at its home base, Essex & Suffolk Gliding Club, Colchester. Pam Ayres has been detained by local police after testing positive for ketamine.
K-hole.
Date: April 24
Type: HAL Dhruv (see March 12 incident)
Operator: Hijacked
Location: Garboldisham, Suffolk
Fens Militiamen encircle Garboldisham Cash Convertors following the incident.
Details: After being abandoned outside the village of Twannock, Pauline Quirke’s personal Dhruv was impounded by the self-styled Fens Militia, a local insurgent group, and transported by low-loader to an undisclosed location on the edge of Thetford Forest. Although the helicopter was believed to be beyond repair, a month later it was noted – now in an armed configuration, with improvised drainpipe mortars – taking part in an abortive attempt to ram-raid a jewellers in Garboldisham. The Dhruv is now immovable, wedged between a derelict branch of Maplin’s and a Cash Convertors.
The Fens Militia are armed to the teeth and highly organised. They are based at the Harvester in Ravenswood, Ipswich.
Date: April 26
Type: Aviation Traders ATL-90 Accountant
Operator: Chinese PLAAF/20th Special Missions Division
Location: The Golden Boar pub, Freckenham, Suffolk
The Unbearable Lightness of Being an Aviation Traders ATL-90 Accountant.
Details: This aircraft was shot down by Basque Separatists led by disgraced former Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Öpik reportedly using a Bloodhound surface-to-air missile. Mr Öpik steered the missile to its target by riding on top of the weapon and manipulating the control surfaces. Just prior to impact Mr Öpik leapt from the missile, held aloft by a paraglider of unknown type. He successfully landed in the car park of the Golden Boar. By this time the crew of the Accountant, who had escaped from their stricken aircraft in three Zorbs were inside the pub having a roast. Mr Öpik and the three PLAAF aircrew were forcefully thrown out of from the pub following an argument with a local poacher.
Altercation with a poacher: MP Lembit Öpik
Hush-Kit 
The “Aviation Traders Accountant” has to win the award for ‘Aircraft name most likely to suck all the romance out of flight, and also out of any surrounding concepts, passers-by, etc’, should anyone ever feel the need for such an award.
Ms Ayres was in the W.R.A.F. … I expect you know that.
Garboldisham is NOT in Suffolk