Following the many complaint emails the last time we asked George (a grumpy, and famously incompetent, soundman) to review a top ten, we decided never to ask him again. But then we changed our mind. We left George with a bag of homegrown and some photos of Canadian aircraft. We have told the British embassy in Ottawa to remain on a high-security alert. Over to George..
“Once again Hush-Kit publishes an article so tedious that it is immeasurably improved by my comparing the aircraft in it to animal genitalia.
Oh Canada, a country famed for not having fourteen attractive anythings. Unless you find moderate political beliefs and moose dicks attractive, which I feel I’ve made fairly clear I don’t.
So put down your poutine pots and syrup bottles, and enjoy the fourteen least appalling looking Canadian planes to take to the cold drab skies, eh?“
14. Avro Canada CF-105 Arrow ‘The Doomed Delta’
“The famous white-suited Canuck ‘asphalt whisperers’ who are employed to apologise to any square foot of tarmac that has to bear the weight of a taxiing plane.”
13. Avro Canada VZ-9 Avrocar ‘Unidentified Canadian Object’
“What’s the female equivalent of a phallic symbol?* A gynic symbol? Vulvic?
Whatever it is, this is that and I’m DTF.“
*Note from editor: the word you’re looking for is ‘yonic’.
12. de Havilland Canada DHC-1 Chipmunk
“I think this plane made it into the top 14 just because it’s yellow.”
11. Bombardier Challenger 350 ‘The Cocaine Train’
“If I’m spending my hard earned coke money on a plane from a company called Bombardier, I’d better be able to rain fiery death on my enemies… I can’t? Do you know how many Siberian tigers and pearl handled Lugers I could have bought with this money? “
10. Canadian Vickers Vedette
“This looks like the trainers your mother buys you because ‘they’re just as good as Nikes’. No mum, as the other kids made painfully clear, they’re not.”
9. Canadian Vickers Vancouver
“We really scraped the bottom of the barrel looking for attractive Canadian planes, so we stuck some wings on the barrel and voila.”
8. Canadian Vickers Vista
“Endgame in the canoe arms race.”
Was the Spitfire overrated? Full story here. A Lightning pilot’s guide to flying and fighting here. Find out the most effective modern fighter aircraft in within-visual and beyond-visual range combat. The greatest fictional aircraft here. An interview with stealth guru Bill Sweetman here. The fashion of aircraft camo here. Interview with a Super Hornet pilot here. Most importantly, a pacifist’s guide to warplanes here. F-35 expose here.
7. Vickers Velos ‘Flight of the Phoenix Cinema’
“Isn’t this from that film where a ragtag bunch crash their plane in North London and Jimmy Stewart has to rebuild it out of bay windows and bike sheds?”
6. Vickers Vanessa
“Ah Vanessa. If she just took off her big spectacles she’d be beautiful. Something, something, handling characteristics.”
5. de Havilland Canada DHC-6 Twin Otter ‘Twotter’
“Hey ding dong, just painting the word ‘Viking’ on the side of your business casual aircraft doesn’t make it cool. If you type ‘viking’ into Google the top result is an office supplies company. This is the aeronautical equivalent of a bunch of pens.”
4. Fleet 50 Freighter ‘Catfish‘
“This is the plane version of the ‘Facebook angle’. If my experiences are anything to go by it has racist tattoos on its fuselage.”
3. Canadair CC-106 Yukon
“Oh hello, this is the Canadian Airforce. We’d like a plane please.”
“What kind of plane?”
“A fucking boring one.”
2. Canadian Car and Foundry FDB 3
“Famed chubby chaser and aircraft designer Arnie Hemplocke (far left) and his two fat muses, Sydney and Paul Fuccbois.”
- Avro Canada C102 Jetliner
“I commissioned this artist to do a dick pic for me, but even he couldn’t capture its graceful might and sleek power, so I donated it to the Louvre. It’s the big triptych in the ‘Viande Et Des Legumes a Deux’ wing.“
You may also enjoy top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story of The Planet Satellite. Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker.
Follow my vapour trail on Twitter: @Hush_kit