If different directors had tackled Top Gun 2

Across the tortuous development of Top Gun 2 many directors offered to work on the movie. Here are our favourite Top Gun 2s that never happened.

Mike Leigh ‘Top Gun 2: Higgledy-Piggledy’

Captain Pete “Maverick” Mitchell (Alison Steadman) is a social worker in 1980s London trying to help Mike “Viper” Metcalf (Timothy Spall) to conquer his gout and start a restaurant. Maverick finds London depressing and longs for the sunshine of Nevada.

Maverick is always working on a 1/72 F-14 model kit plane that is never completed. Maverick never gets to Nevada but Metcalf’s vegetarian restaurant is a moderate success. The film ends with Maverick and Metcalf sitting peacefully in the evening sunshine in Finsbury Park.

Jane Campion ‘Top Gun 2: Sea Mist’

Maverick (Genevieve Lemon) is an electively mute Welshswoman sold by her father into the US Navy. She expresses herself through her cello playing and through puppetry. While being helicoptered out to the aircraft carrier with her baggage, all her belongings – including her cello – are thrown into the sea. As it sinks, she deliberately tangles her foot in the rope trailing after it. She is pulled overboard but, deep underwater, changes her mind and kicks free and is pulled to safety and becomes the most kickass fighter pilot in the Navy.

Maverick is later seen picking out a coffin for her wingman Goose (Benedict Cumberbatch) while his body is prepared for burial. At the funeral, the doctor tells Maverick that Goose most likely died of anthrax. This puzzles Maverick, as Goose was always careful to avoid placing diseased cattle in the cockpit of his F-14.

John Waters Top Gun 2: Goose me!

Maverick (played by Divine) is the sluttiest pilot in the US Navy, a degenerate kleptomaniac sex addict mocked for her homemade fighter aircraft (played by Iaio Qaher) – her bitter rival Viper Metcalf (Sasha Grey) publicly humiliates Maverick by making her drink a glass of real vomit in the Navy bar as the attendant sailors sing ‘You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling’. Hellbent on revenge, the day before the final Top Gun dogfighting contest Maverick fills Viper’s cockpit with live eels. However, it is the wrong cockpit: it is the aircraft owned by stuffy authoritarian weapons instructor Commander Lizzie Gudge (Mink Stole). The mix-up causes Maverick and Viper to become friends and they leave the Navy to open an F-14-themed sex club in Baltimore called ‘The Guzzle’.

Alejandro Jodorowsky – Top Gun 2: El Gato Místico

The film starts with a naked Captain Pete “Maverick” Mitchell (played by Tom Cruise) sitting in a tree in a mental asylum in Chile. Nurses come out to him, to try to coax him off of his perch, using a plate of raw fish to persuade him to come down. As the nurses get him to put on his flightsuit the viewer sees that he has a tattoo of an F-14 on his chest.

We flashback to Maverick’s childhood, which he spent performing as a fake monkey in an underground bar run by his father Flymo, a sword-swallower with dwarfism, and his mother Banzo, a blind unicyclist and conjoined twin.

As a teen Maverick is led through a series of transformation rituals by a half-human half-dog god (played by Juan Ferrara). His transformation to fighter pilot involves the sacrifice of an actual dog and the eating of an entire T-38 – which he accomplishes with chopsticks in the Mojave desert. Maverick leaves Chile for Berlin where he falls in love with naval aviator Klina Gadski (Teté Delgado).

In a dream, Gadski invokes the Top Gun shaman Mike ‘Viper’ Metcalf. During a sexual encounter with the Goddess Molda (Meg Ryan) both Maverick and Molda are beheaded by a low-flying MiG-28. As his head regrows he becomes the greatest pilot in the US Navy before being ingested by a volcano run by dogs dressed as clowns.

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