RAF Typhoon to get new radar in time to detect third horseman of apocalypse

After an exceptionally long development and definition phase that dates back to the 20th century, it appears that there is finally a roadmap in place for the RAF’s Typhoon force to receive an active electronic scanning array (AESA) radar.

An early priority for Sir Hugh Trenchard, Chief of the Air Staff 1919–1930, was to modernise Britain’s Royal Air Force. In 1921, he declared the two most challenging problems he faced were fitting the Typhoon with a modern AESA radar and ensuring fighter pilots had the skills needed to leave the air force and become motivational talkers, airline pilots or YouTubers. While the latter effort proved a huge success, a century later Typhoon’s are still using an archaic sensor made from a Bakelite bowl filled with travel sweets and bumblebees. But progress is being made.

“Roadmap” is just one of the metaphors that will be used during the definitely definitely final project definition stage of the new sensor.

Jezzer gets active

In a written statement on July 18, 2020, U.K. Minister for Defense Procurement Jezza ‘Hot Pants‘ Quin stated: “The Ministry of Defence is committed to implementing an Active Electronically Scanned Array radar on our Typhoon fleet. A contract was signed with our European partners to develop a common integration solution across the Typhoon radar enterprise. The RAF’s Typhoon’s AESA radars will come into operational service in time to detect the third horseman of the apocalypse.” When asked exactly when that will be the minister replied, “We have a fantastic relationship between the Eurofighter partner companies and operator services and we are on schedule in testing and development.”

The RAF is expected to meet a variety of new threats across the 21st century.

Capability holidays from hell

When pressed for a specific date, Quin noted “The first horseman is on a white horse, carrying a bow, and given a crown, riding forward as a figure of conquest invoking pestilence, Christ, or the Antichrist. This is easily detected at considerable range by current mechanically scanned radar. The second carries a sword and rides a red horse and is the creator of war. This is harder to detect but through datalinks and offboard sensors, the current, very capable, Typhoon can meet the threat. The third is a food merchant riding upon a black horse, symbolising famine. This will have a very low radar signature as horses don’t have much metal in them. For this we will need an AESA radar and Typhoon will be there to meet the threat in a flexible, agile, errrr agile flexible way. Did I say agile?”

Critics, including pewter enthusiast Pierre de Terre from the G.U.N.G.E think-tank are less impressed, “Will there even be aeroplanes or people by the time this thing comes on line? Our best future modelling suggests that there will be like pterodactyls and women in furry bikinis on quad bikes then..it will be a very different battlespace.”

Related story: Dassault confident that internet will be able to spell Rafael correctly by 2045: three injured in press briefing

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One comment

  1. Barry Larking

    European co-operation. Reminds me of Jonathan Swift’s thoughts on the War of the Spanish Succession (1701-1714) ‘The Allies have been the ruin of us! Twenty millions of debts and no end in sight.’ Another in a long line of political aircraft projects in the United States of Europe produces a camel in place of a race horse.

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