In 2020 we chose the 10 best looking aeroplanes from Britain.  In 2020 we handed over list to the most misanthropic man to be type-qualified on the Twin Otter, Geoff  G. Visser. Here in startling mordancy, is his assessment of our choices. 

The following views may be considered offensive and should not be read by children or Air Chief Marshals. All complaints should be addressed to Mr Visser directly, and not this site.

Over to Mr Visser:

“Among all the high-altitude hypoxic autoerotic asphyxiation slash-fiction scribbled by those chosen few, not many words stick out as sharply as those written by the late John Gillespie Magee Jr, the writer of the poem High Flight.  It should come as no surprise that the delirious ecstasy of early flight was sexualised by the horny young men and women who first took to the skies, and threw their balled-up underpants at the face of God. This giddy euphoria was then translated into mechanophilia. This was done by the kind of sad-sacks of misplaced affection who, on the one hand couldn’t hope to slip the surly bonds of earth and, on the other couldn’t even imagine the tender caress of sentient flesh  (note: this was written when the ‘caress of sentient flesh’ was still a safe possibility for those living alone) 

Somehow it has fallen to me to offer a critical response to this seedy collection of blurry creep shots that was compiled for the awful pleasures of the misanthropic misfits who get their sordid kicks from struts, hard points and ordnance.

But hey, it’s better than being into cars.

 

After this you may want to read Dave Eagles telling you how to fly a Sea Fury.

10. Supermarine Southampton

“

This aircraft was used in ancient Egypt to ferry the souls of dead pharaohs into the afterlife. Sexy stuff right? This pair was painstakingly reconstructed by a team of archaeologists and are seen here being flown by the last living presenters of Time Team. Phwoar!

9. Hawker Hunter

What’s more exciting than one quite boring aircraft? Three quite boring aircraft.

The essence of beige somehow captured in black and white. I look at this picture and I can’t help but think of three chintzy wall hanging flying ducks ascending the staircase to a staid sexual experience with a partner I have become over accustomed to.

8. Hawker Sea Hawk

This aircraft is clearly a juvenile. If you see any more images like this please report them here. 

7. de Havilland DH.106 Comet

While this does seem an elegant solution to the ugly business of thrust what kind of sick twisted pervert finds civil aircraft attractive? If it’s not designed to shred the flesh of innocents it won’t get more than the most perfunctory of erections out of me.

6. Westland Whirlwind

I’m sorry, I don’t want to ‘airframe shame’ but isn’t this plane textbook butt-fugly? Odd proportions and unpleasant protuberances, it looks like it was Frankensteined out of assorted grave robbed corpses. The necromechanophiliac’s wet dream.

5. de Havilland DH.88 Comet

Easily the nicest looking plane here, or am I just a simple caveman fascinated and attracted by the vivid colour? I want to eat or make sweet caveman love to this aeroplane.

4. Vickers VC10

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar  and sometimes people just like to look at shiny twirly things like a bunch of dumb magpies. Well here you go you stupid corvidae, the aesthetic aeronautical equivalent of jangling a bunch of keys to distract a baby.

3. Bristol Britannia

Why do these last two look like 1940’s glamour girl lithographs? Why did I ask that question when the answer is  obviously because they’re for primitive people to wank off to?

2. Supermarine Spitfire

The Spitfire, the first choice of the basic bitch. The root cause of the little tent in the dull faded loose blue jeans of the middle-aged, middle of the road and moribund unimaginative aviation enthusiast. The only thing that could make this tawdry display any more pathetic is if you stuck a big pair of tits on it

1. de Havilland DH.103 Hornet READER’S CHOICE

Ah there we go. You people disgust me.”

If you enjoyed this, have  a look at the top ten French, Swedish, Australian,  Soviet and German aeroplanes. Wanting Something a little more exotic? Try the top ten fictional aircraft.

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